Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
