Porn is love you can see.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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