the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
