Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
