She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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