My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
