Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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