Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
