I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
