you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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