hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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