I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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