you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
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Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
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Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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