people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
