Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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