A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
