I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
