The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
