in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
