Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
