How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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