Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
