Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
