I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
