meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
