I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
