he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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