he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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