Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
