im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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