Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
