I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
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after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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