Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
