Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
