ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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