So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
