I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
pray to the hookup gods
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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