im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
foreskin is a definite game changer
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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