4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
