The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
