The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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