The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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