were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm really busy with my period
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