Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
