honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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