Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
