I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
