life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
