I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
