you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
