dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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