She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
