i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.