batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.