No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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