my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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