I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
