i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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