Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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